I Have No Fucking Clue What I’m Doing

I’m going to be honest, I seriously have no fucking idea what I’m doing with my life.  I’m stuck between the old Ego me and still discovering the authentic me.  It’s weird, like I’m floating between the two and some days I just want to go back, be a teacher, live paycheck to paycheck, sometimes I wish I hadn’t awakened, that I didn’t know what I know.  Not just about myself but about the humanity, the universe.  But I am too awake to know that that is Ego talking, the safe, comfortable and familiar is what we as humans always go back to, even when it goes against out intuition.  We have been programmed not to trust ourselves, our truth.  We have had fears and insecurities instilled in us for lifetimes.  (I have done some past life regression and Tarot readings and HOLY SHIT…more on that to come.)  We don’t just carry pain these self-limiting beliefs from this lifetime, but from every lifetime and from our ancestors.  The need for all of us to heal is deep, I feel the Universal energy gently pushing us to awaken, to transform through healing.  So, that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing, healing myself.  Literally, just that, no job, bills piling up, debt growing and still no fucking clue how to use this new me and my natural gifts/abilities to help others heal.  My giant leap of faith is feeling pretty overwhelming right now.

So, I’m in a place where I’ve really had to look at patterns of behavior and thought.  Our though patterns can be severely limiting.  That bastard Ego is always trying to take the upper hand.  I will not let it win this time…my big pattern…PROCRASTINATION…pretty sure there’s a whole lot of us with this self-limiting belief pattern.  Through mediation, guidance with Tarot cards and journal I understand why, we as humans, procrastinate.  It’s about a lack of self-confidence, a fear of failure, it really has nothing to do with laziness.  We are all energy, and having high vibrational energies is what is natural to us as spiritual beings.  We have learned to use procrastination as a band-aid for not believing we’re enough, we are deserving.  I am guilty of it, for sure.  Sure there are times, when we procrastinate and it’s just about not wanting to do something that isn’t as fun as something else…I’m all for that procrastination…Life is supposed to be fun!  We should always choose the things that bring use joy.  Writing today is my way of breaking out of this stupid, fucking pattern that doesn’t serve me.  I intend to start writing at least 3 times a week…if anyone wants to hold me to it, please do 🙂  I also set some other goals today while journaling.

When I feel Ego and low energies coming in, I first have to identify if they are mine or not.  The Empath struggle is real.  When they are not mine, I simply say, “Please take your shit back with love and hugs from me.”  Sounds crazy, but for any Empaths out there, it really works for me.  It’s the same with Ego, I know it is not a though coming from my soul, or the Divine (the medium struggle is real, too).  Ego speaks differently, it’s harsh, judgemental, negative, pointing out faults.  Our soul and the Divine speak from a place of unconditional love, gently, positive, supporting our authenticity.  Just taking a few, quiet minutes (mini-meditations, I like to call them) can help pinpoint where emotions and thoughts are coming from.  Once this is identified the self-healing, self transformation, the self-love can begin.

Keeping it real…loving myself is the hardest fucking thing I’ve had to do, but Oh My Goddess is it transformational in all the most glorious ways. Truth, I am NOT going back, I will not be a slave to outdated systems.  I will EMPOWER myself by sharing my truth & honoring my soul’s purpose to be an Empath Healer, because this is what makes ME happy.  Take some time today to reflect on your thoughts and energies…choose to make your heart, your soul, YOURSELF happy.

Peace, Love & Light


5D Girl in a 3D World

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